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In this mock-up of a morning news segment, Onion commentators attempt to help a mother find her daughter, who's been missing for four years. With the assistance of a forensics expert, a futuristic computer model morphs Tanya Sharley from cute child to prostitute to pregnant crystal meth user -- while her horrified mother looks on and the hosts comment sunnily on how tough life must be for the girl. The video succeeds dead-on with the imitation of tooth-flashing plastic hosts, but the overall effect is more appalling than humorous.
Posted 11:51, 12 May 2008
This abstract was written by
HL Carpenter
and edited by Brijit.
The Onion covers a plan by presidential hopeful and senatorial badass John McCain to slash millions from the budget, and it goes beyond his penchant for fisticuffs -- McCain will also replace White House security with a system of homemade booby traps made out of sticks and wire. The senator also hopes to prove his manliness in a new form of debate, one that involves fighting Barack Obama in the woods, naked. But the highlights are even better than jokes about McCain extinguishing cigarettes on his tongue; deft use of the pause button reveals that the security plan will target "Viet Cong and other Middle Eastern/Asiatic enemies."
Posted 9:58, 11 May 2008
This abstract was written by
Orr Shtuhl
and edited by Brijit.
In a classic case of the little guy getting a shot at the big time, Washington Capitals winger Alexander Ovechkin was recently called up to the NFL by the Miami Dolphins. As The Onion newscasters note in this sharp video report, while Ovechkin may have dreamed of one day playing professional sports, getting called up by the Dolphins will add an enormous amount of pressure, as he will be playing in front of actual fans and knowing that "it's not just Mom and Dad anymore." However, Ovechkin should be excited at the prospect of an actual paycheck -- "he may give some of the trained athletes a run for their money."
Posted 2:46, 5 May 2008
This abstract was written by
Brian Willett
and edited by Brijit.
This hilarious piece is brimming with irony, recounting the press conference Terrell Owens held in response to the Dallas Cowboys' acquisition of Adam "Pac-Man" Jones. During the conference, Owens aired his concerns about Jones' character, noting that the troublesome athlete's "me-first personality and history of off-the-field issues could potentially damage the team." Owens felt that the addition of Jones would hurt the credibility of the Cowboys, who like Owens have always stood for modesty, hard work, and clean living. Luckily, the star receiver was able to keep his emotions in check with a large bottle of painkillers and a custom-made, crystal-encrusted T.O. water bottle.
Posted 1:56, 5 May 2008
This abstract was written by
Brian Willett
and edited by Brijit.
This funny piece honors 25-year old Lacey Lauderdale, recently crowned 2008's Mistress USA in the annual competition held "to honor the country's most beautiful and talented other women." The contest, held in a Trenton, N.J. motel room, featured a body of 63 mistresses, one hailing from each state and 14 representing Carson City, Nev. Lauderdale's victory earned her the coveted prize of one year's rent, a basket of erotic massage oils, and a red lace undergarment to be tried on immediately. True to the tradition of the Mistress USA competition, judges felt Lauderdale exemplified "the qualities of youth, sexiness, and having large breasts."
Posted 6:59, 4 May 2008
This abstract was written by
Brian Willett
and edited by Brijit.
World-weary Gary Morgan just completed the world's first transatlantic inner-tube float, arriving in France to "thunderous applause" -- clearly the thought of six weeks of vacation resonated with citizens used to such luxury. The celebration will be even bigger in the United States, where he'll be saluted with a parade and a Medal of Honor in honor of his lengthy vacation. His leisurely slumber in the face of peril has enamored him to the American people, but there's little time for Morgan to revel in it -- he "might go in again a little later," Morgan said. Unfortunately, the hero's lack of enthusiasm deflates the jokes as well.
Posted 4:18, 2 May 2008
This abstract was written by
aaron knoll
and edited by Brijit.
Uncle Sam wants you, and it'd be seriously cool if you could help out your neighborhood recruiter and sign up. Not that the Army is begging, but think of all the seriously cool things you could do if you did sign up. The Onion puts a chatty spin on a recruiter's pitch, couched in the slightly anxious tone of a military officer who's behind in his quota. It's snarky, but you'll chuckle anyway.
Posted 3:05, 28 April 2008
This abstract was written by
HL Carpenter
and edited by Brijit.
In a review that's possibly more entertaining than the movie, The Onion sasses the new Robert Downey, Jr. action adventure flick while brilliantly capturing our collective buyer's remorse when overly hyped movies fail to live up to our expectations. Why would Paramount risk alienating fans when the trailer is a "breathtaking 90-second thrill ride"? What if actress Gwyneth Paltrow is brilliant in her "three-quarters-of-a-second role" but not when thrown in a tedious romantic subplot? To allay fan fears, the studio has announced it will remain faithful to the trailer in its full-length adaptation.
Posted 10:24, 28 April 2008
This abstract was written by
Adrienne Jenkins
and edited by Brijit.
Yesterday Ron Meyer embarked on the perilous, eminently frustrating quest to procure a rubber band from office coworkers. The goal: to roll up a 22-inch-by-28-inch piece of white poster board. The need: a rubber band of suitable circumference and stretchiness. To no avail, a massive company-wide mailing frustrated Ron's efforts by stripping the office of the necessary tools. At press time, Meyer was considering using a coworker's hairband. The Onion masterfully crafts comedy out of mundane office tasks, intertwining the history of the rubber band with Ron's harrowing tale.
Posted 3:37, 25 April 2008
This abstract was written by
Bethany Stotts
and edited by Brijit.
A new breakthrough in chemical weapons research, US soldiers can now release angst-amplifying "ennui gas," into crowds of Pakistan protesters or underground terrorist cells. The Onion humorously notes that since the gas causes no physical harm it doesn't violate the 1997 Chemical Weapons Convention treaty. Symptoms (possibly permanent) include mild eye irritation, feeling the crushing weight of the universe, numbing of the very soul, and "proclivity to listen to Lou Reed records." Folding satire into the joke, the piece pokes fun at the US military's willingness to trade human rights for victory.
Posted 2:56, 25 April 2008
This abstract was written by
Bethany Stotts
and edited by Brijit.